Blinded by control conforming to society, you count calories for your ‘health’ but you’re blinded by the irony. and despite your sobriety, you’re drunk and high on anxiety! But forget all of that. you still can’t have beer ‘cause beer makes you fat – so of course you can’t drink but without any food - how will you clink? without any food… how will you THINK? Oh no. Not that thought. You will lose control! Heaven forbid you slow your roll! Because the truth is that you said you were fat, and you convinced yourself it was true. Then you thought it so hard you turned your face blue! But you also severely warped your mind you became seriously misconstrued You thought that being skinny would make you feel new! and shiny! ooh ooh! Because you are thin now - heroin chic - and don’t know what to do. So maybe you’re thin or maybe you’re not either way - You haven’t a clue, If you’re skinny enough or need to shed more – you look in the mirror and kinda like the new you, and everyone else seems to too! the weight has come off and the compliments pop off! “You’re so skinny” “You look so pretty!” they say, so you smile and nod and love it then starve yourself another day. They don’t need to know about your daily routine. They don’t need to know you’re an insecure queen. …and you don’t need to tell them it’s not what it seems. Because the second truth is that it’s not anyone’s biz what you do to your body for the sake of ‘being healthy.’ They’ll maybe find it inspiring - all the control all the weight lost. But they’ll probably find it frightening – what you could do no matter the cost. “But that’s the thing!” you’ll exclaim, and then you’ll explain that you save so much money by eating one meal a day it costs almost nothing this is how you stay in shape! this is the way! But then you pause and you frown you look to the ground you begin to feel down. You start to admit to yourself, what you’re starting to show and already know… that with cigarettes for breakfast and coffee for lunch if health is wealth then you don’t like yourself much. So alas you loosen your grip And the control begins to slip The problem was never with food turns out it was always your mood. Eating disorder or anxiety Bottom line, they’re one in the same Terminology hardly matters when you’re fasting twenty hours a day. And running nine miles - but never with a smile because it’s always been a while since you’ve had anything to eat. You don’t have any meat on your body, so you always hold a jacket because you’re always cold. You’ll wear one in the summer sun. You’ll wear one on a ten-mile run. Ten miles is a lot! Too many steps to count, But you’ve got it all on your watch, You know the exact amount. of calories burned. To the new and smaller you the skinniness flatters! the aesthetic is all that matters! But underneath you it shatters your hidden self confidence, and all your common sense. So now here I am. Two years later Thirty pounds heavier – I’m stronger and healthier.. But when you’re in recovery, for both your mind and body - the results are ones you can see. And adding on the pounds is not as good as it sounds. Even though I feel better, that feeling still lingers - starving for starvation. I’ll still stick my fingers… While I used to fear hunger, I now fear my phone. I fear all the pictures That show how I’ve grown - in comparison to old ones where all you see is bone. Pictures of the new me cause instant anxiety – Haunted by my camera roll, I am embarrassed for the new me And yearning for the girl I used to be – or maybe not her mind but just her body. Nevertheless When I see my old self today – I think about how I felt and what I thought and I see it so clearly now – how I was so off. But how then those feelings coexist? With the part of me that I still miss? How can I find grace For a part of me that can’t be replaced? - the part of me that feels ashamed for all the weight that I have gained?